It could be the late, quiet night, with only the indistinguishable murmurs from the TV.

But after that phone call, or rather ever since it started, there has always been this lump, this hidden frustration, that's distorting and filtering whatever emotions I had related to this issue.

The end result of that mutation sparked by that unresolved knot is usually something very complex, a whole new emotion that just lingers and starts to expand within your chest cavity till you feel bloated like a helium balloon.

As with simple emotions such as anger, you feel it, understand and be aware of what you are feeling, and wait for it to subside. Once it does, the peace of knowing that what was there no longer inhabits your body will then slowly wash over you like a gentle wave, causing a slight sense of euphoria.

These mutated emotions are different. For as long as I do not identify them, they continue to be suffused into the fibres of my being, laying dormant each time waiting to be reignited by certain external stimuli. The cause of these new emotions, the tumour, the unresolved knot in my heart since that issue, has to be removed with surgical precision, if I am to function normally for the next one year.

Each relapse ends usually with only few outcomes: unexplained anger towards nobody in particular, where the lack of a victim compounds the anger. lost of interest in anything in the world, bringing with it varying degrees of anti social behaviour. the crumbling of personal self-esteem in an irrepairable fashion, with a cumulative effect.

So please, do let me know what I am feeling right now, and how, how can I stop feeling these new unknown emotions.